THURSDAY THOUGHTS: Finding My Tribe (After 15 Years)
How to find people who share your passions, not just your postcode.
I moved to Singapore on 29th March 2009, which means next month will be my 15th anniversary in this tropical metropolis yet I feel like I have only JUST found my tribe.
What do I mean by tribe? I mean a group of people not united by circumstance such as work, school or locale but by shared interests and an eagerness to contribute. A community of choice rather than of circumstance that, in just a few weeks, has embraced my contributions and expanded my horizons. So, how did this happen?
Everyone knows it's hard to make friends as an adult. It's not like when you're a kid and you can simply walk up to another kid in a playground and say, "Hey, you wanna play?" then, boom, you're friends. Try that with an adult, especially in Singapore, and you're likely to get a suspicious look at best, a molestation charge at worst!
Adult friends tend to arrive by accident of where you sit at work or who you bump into at the school gates, which isn’t a bad way to make friends, it just shouldn’t be the only way. I have made great friends in Singapore; the husbands of my Singaporean wife's friends (and their wives too of course), colleagues and clients who have become friends, and other parents, naturally. But, in a sense, you have to rub along with these folks by dint of proximity and, much as I love and appreciate all of them, we don't have an awful lot in common apart from my wife, my work or my daughter.
I love music, films, books, art (don’t we all?). More specifically I love hard rock, punk, electronica and experimental music. Arthouse and cult movies. Beat novels and noirish art. For the most part these passions remain private. My music is generally not welcome at dinner parties, I frequently go to gigs and the cinema alone and, given the choice, I'd spend about 4 hours a day reading. I've always been fine with this except when I want to share a new discovery with someone or be surprised by someone else’s discovery. It's part of the reason I started ‘Pro-Human’, so I might find a tribe of humans who who want to celebrate being human as much as LinkedIn tech-bros celebrate crypto, 5G, the Metaverse and AI - which is not a subject you can easily broach on the school run!
And that's also why I am exceedingly grateful to have found the 'Flying V Metal Family'; that's the name of the WhatsApp group we're all on. A group of punk, rock and metal heads centered around a basement bar called the 'Flying V' that, as it turns out, is owned by one of my daughter's friend's dads who only revealed his true identity thanks to the wonder of old school analog technology.
As a middle-aged, middle-class white man I feel it is almost my duty to collect vinyl records, which I keep on display in my my glass-walled home office (a.k.a. The Manquarium), that also acts as a bit of a trophy case of my favourite books and posters, CDs and DVDs. It used to be common for these collections to be on display in homes as opposed to hidden away on hard drives. Your book/record/CD/DVD shelf was a way to furnish and personalise your home whilst expressing something unique about yourself to visitors. It was a great conversation starter and, as it turns out, still is.
George had come to pick up his daughter from a playdate when he noticed my vinyl collection out of the corner of his eye and moved closer to inspect. He took particular interest in some of my more obscure punk records and gave me, who I am sure he had written off as a corporate type, a second look. We bonded over shared memories of seeing SNUFF live in the 1990s and he added me to the WhatsApp group of his regulars. The group had been started by a former barman for promotional purposes but has since become a truly decentralised network of metalheads all sharing recommendations for music, gigs, metal comedy nights, even metal yoga!
I introduced myself virtually but, at the earliest opportunity, headed down to the Flying V with no idea if anyone would be there. I gingerly approached the bar, which was lined with regulars and announced myself as "Neal…from WhatsApp?", and was instantly welcomed with a pint, a seat and some ribald banter. It was open mic night so I got to see some new music and met the promoter who offered to put me on if I had something to play. I didn't, but I went home, picked up my guitar for the first time in months (years?) and recorded an audition for him. Now I have my first gig in nearly 20 years next week!
Not only that but, through the WhatsApp group, I discovered that obscure 90s shoegazers Slowdive are touring Singapore. I bought my usual ticket for one but will not be going alone this time. Instead, I'll be meeting other members of the Flying V Metal Family in the bar beforehand, then we’re all going together.
During the pandemic, I was so grateful for all the technology than enabled me to stay in touch with friends and family, clients and colleagues. As an expat 7,000km from home I remain grateful but, let’s be honest, I'd still rather have a real Sunday dinner with my family than a virtual one.
The technologies that once connected us now have the potential to keep us apart by reducing the motivation to make the effort to get up, get dressed, go out and meet people #IRL. The best thing about the Flying V Metal Family WhatsApp group is that it's main motivation is to alert its members to opportunities to come together, in person and share experiences the way we have done for millennia, which is another reason I call it a tribe. Wanna start a tribe with me? Subscribe below and maybe I’ll see you at the gig. Nx
The Flying V Metal Family sounds like fun. Fantastic find! Lucky you.
I know what you mean about the challenges with finding other people who share your interests. This should be so easy in the internet age, but it really isn't.
My husband and I eat an organic and sustainable diet. I've been tempted to tape notes to bags of organic apples and grapes at the health food store inviting the buyers of said items to dinner with us, because it's been really hard for us to connect with other people who care about this. Those people must be out there somewhere, or there wouldn't be a national organics program -- but where are they?? How do we find them?
I was never afraid to go to concerts, museums and movies alone -- which I've occasionally done in the past because many of the people in my sphere didn't share my taste in art and media.
Those solo experiences pretty much ended when I married my husband. He and I (mostly) like the same bands and media. He's also a good sport about getting dragged around to botanical gardens, which I prioritize visiting when we travel to new places. I definitely enjoy having a companion to experience life's adventures with.